Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops