Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger