My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
How do you like your Corgi?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private