Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
This is so me 😂😂
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
No regrets in 2018
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Dyslexics are teople poo!
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.