So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?