Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame