God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
This is why I hate group projects
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.