Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat