my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first