I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.