boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.