I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
This meeting could have been a cake
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.