friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
This bar smells like my childhood.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht