Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement