My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”