I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.