Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass