[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
It do be feeling this way.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
#TopTip
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Social distancing in Australia:
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
181.