5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Free him
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
This is I, Robot all over again
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS