[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
when there are deer in the woods
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Human are so complicated
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious