I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Worth the read.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.