[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
God has abandoned us.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.