“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
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Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Help Wanted
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me in tagged photos