I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
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Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0