[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.