“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
guys I’m going home
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist