When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.