*serious situation*
My brain:
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.