Doggies just call it style.
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.