One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My biological clock is wheezing.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?