billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
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12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Who knew!
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Double negatives are never not confusing.