A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
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it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again