Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
me adding lol on a serious message
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets