I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE