airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: π
“it’s $9”
π©
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
π
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βCan I have one?β
βOnly if you do the thing.β
βDo I have to?β
βYes, and you have to do the voice.β
βπ΄πͺπ¨π©β¦ Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!β
[during fight]
him: Iβll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, itβs you I donβt like.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Iβve decided Iβm not going to let my teenβs attitude get to me today, and so far Iβm doing really well with it.
Sheβs not awake yet.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like βoh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in hereβ
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently itβs Valentineβs Day now.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My 6yo asked me if sheβs gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, βwell, I award THAT zero points.β Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale Iβll be using from now on.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
that colleague who touches your screen
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they donβt do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: βokβ