When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Bring back the McRib
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.