Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
(Musicians.)
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.