No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.