What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.