If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
(by @ZachWeiner )
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.