I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.