“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.