[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
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I created you as mosquito food.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”