Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Fries, not lies.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.