[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?