ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Tier 3 meme
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.