You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You Might Also Like
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye