I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.