Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.