Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!